So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
