Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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