I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He passed out mid-signature
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
