I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
