just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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