one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
