I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
