Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
