Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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