So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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