I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
