Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
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apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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