i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
