I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
