my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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