First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
