Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
