did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
