my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
