Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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