Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
