the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
