Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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