I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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