I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
