I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I look better un-naked...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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