I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
