oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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