She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
