i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
