But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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