Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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