I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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