There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
