I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
