Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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