I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize