Nicole vs. Life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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