I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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