just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
