im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
this will be a night to untag.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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