I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
