If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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