I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
