apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
