Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
