my phone needs a breathalizer
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
