MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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