pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
