need another drink. this is the easiest way
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
