I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
