im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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