it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
