Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
