Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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