i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
