Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
