"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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