So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
