a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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