Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
