John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
