i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
