im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
